I've decided I need someplace to put my thoughts about you people.
All you crazy people.
There are so many of you. It's like you've colonized.

Today's crazy people were both women. I will NOT be sexist. I will not.
Especially since I'm a woman as well. But LOONY! There are special buses and modes of transportation for these people. Why do they insist on taking the train with everyone else?!

CRAZY LADY #1
So, I get on the train this morning, I sit down, and this tall, very thin girl/woman sits next to me. Mind you, there are seats open all over the place. (Evidence #1 of the magnetic attraction I have with the crazies) So, crazy opens her Metro, spanning it over 3 seats - hers, the one to her right, and mine, to the left - and proceeds to massage me with her left arm and elbow. And I'm thinking, this is a thin person. The seat is big for her. What is the reason for the overflow of body space?! So I shift over and sit side-saddle on my seat and the empty one to my left, to avoid the groping. But at the next stop, someone wants to sit to my left. So I sit properly again and face the morning's molestation. At least she looked relatively clean.

She's reading her paper normally (I know, shocking!), and all of a sudden she shouts, What?!, with such incredulity you'd think she'd just read that martians actually HAD taken over George Bush's body and we were all being shipped to Mars for the weekend to celebrate our freedom. Then she mumbles to herself and begins to read again.

But wait.
Then comes the humming. No music, no ipod. She's just humming. Humming and reading. And then talking to herself. I couldn't tell if she was rapping or just chatting idly. I'm one measure from leading the Mars expedition myself.

I'm doing my beloved SuDoku which, I must admit, I'm quite good at. I generally finish it in about 2-3 train stops. I don't know why. I suck at picture/number games. Unless it involves a crossword, there's really no point. But I'm awesome at SuDoku. I was a bit dismayed today, though, because I was having serious trouble with it. But don't worry, because Crazy Lady #1 wants to help! You know that feeling you have when you know someone is looking over your shoulder at what you're doing? It's like when you were in school and you knew the teacher was standing right behind you checking your work while you worked?! Bastards. I kept working, though, until it got to be too much and she was blatantly doing SuDoku with me and humming in my ear. I felt like we were on a date. So I folded the paper and put it in my bag and pulled out my book instead. That'll teach her, right? WRONG! Crazy Lady #1 wants to read with me. I'm not kidding, she had her entire head turned to the side and tilted so she could read with me. Still humming all the while.

Now, whatever. You're crazy, fine. You might not consider yourself crazy, fine. Whatever.

COMMON COURTESY you lunatic! I think if I see her again, I'm just going to sit on her lap so she can put her massaging arms around me and read the book more easily with me. We could be BFF.

CRAZY LADY #2
This is great. I love when stuff like this happens. After I leave Crazy Lady #1's train, I get on the second train that will take me to my office. Thankfully, that trip was uneventful. I get off the train, go to the escalator and get on it behind a lovely elderly woman...
Yeah. Right.
Lovely woman who could not have been a day younger than 75 was pissed because there was a girl two people ahead of her on the escalator who refused to walk up the escalator, thus making the rest of the people on the escalator stand waiting for the escalator to do its job of bringing us all upstairs. Now, I understand that perhaps she's in a hurry. But 1) this woman is 75 years old. Chill the f*&! out or you'll give yourself a heart attack and fall backwards onto me. I'll be pretty pissed if you're the reason I die, Crazy Lady #2. 2) This escalator is only made for one person on each step; it's a thin escalator. There aren't two rows or anything, where the left side is for climbing and the right side is for standing. So if someone wants to stand, he/she is entirely within his/her right to do so. But Crazy Lady #2 was pissed that the young woman two step above was holding us up. "And she's young!" I think her point was to imply that SHE, the old crazy lady, would be walking (nose in air, sniffing her snooty air), this young person is so lazy, blah blah blah.

Well, I'd had it. Enough crazies for one day.
So I talked back.
I said, well, maybe she has a lot to carry, maybe she has a broken knee...
Crazy Lady #2 didn't reply, but I took a moment to notice, when we reached the top, that the girl who had stopped on the escalator to ride up instead of walk, was carrying a huge bag in front of her chest.
Ha!